Like. You Know. Whatever.

• I’m just waking up.
• I’m seeing American Idiot tonight!
• Last night was the last class of level 3. I start level 4 in about two weeks time.
• I care for these people so much, I love the fact that we get along and hang out with each other. 
• Level 4 people, holy shit!!!
• My scalp is still sore from yesterday’s biopsy. 
• I wrote a while back that I though it was time to leave Boston. I can’t see myself doing that right now. 
• Magners cider is my new favorite beer!!! 
• Last night I had one the best conversations I’ve had in a long while with a woman I’ve come to admire. 
• Now, someone come and make me breakfast. You’d have to make something work out of bread, vegetarian sausage, and mashed potatoes. 
• Any takers?

I hate lying to people I care about. I’ve talked (albeit briefly) about how I’ve been telling certain people at work that I’ve been taking English classes when in fact, as you all know, I’m taking improv classes. I’ve justified my actions by telling myself that it was no one’s business what I do outside work (which is true), that they’d think it was weird, that I was wasting my time, that they’d think I was a fool and laugh at me. I’ve come to realize that it matters not what they may think. They may think it’s silly, trite, that I’m wasting my time; but those thoughts are theirs alone and there is nothing I can do to make them see otherwise. I’ve talked about in the past that I have the hardest time letting go, for the fear that I will lose control of my environment around me. I have, in part, been lying and limiting myself for so long that I’ve allowed it, in fact, to control me. Not the other way around. So let the bombs fall and hopefully the people who’ve I’ve deceived will either forgive me and be happy for me, or just simply keep their mouths shut.

Where my main problems in improv class lies, of course. I over think, and, now here’s the big one, I’m afraid of what people might think of me. This coming from someone who’s posted pictures of herself with god-awful face masks on, someone who’s posted a picture of herself grabbing her titties for freaking laughs, someone who has twitter persona which her own close friends have not seen (which is probably for the best). I’ve always had this need to please, to make people like me. Now I know that this is unrealistic, and very tiresome on my part, trust me, I’m a very tired person in many respects. It’s the thought of looking silly, looking like a fool in front of others, which paralyzes me from doing what I want. From being myself. I think that’s why I like twitter and tumblr so much. I let parts of myself, my true self out. The same goes for improv class. Now if only I can get rid of this fear. It’s been said that fear can be a good thing but mind you, fear still rules a good chunk of my life, and it makes me sick. The trick, it would seem, is to use fear to my advantage. Just how the fuck I do that is beyond me. 

I don’t have class this week and I literally don’t know what to do with myself besides stay at home and make myself crazy and sad and terrified with thoughts of extreme failure. I guess I could pay this doctor bill and wash my hair but I’m so good at making myself feel like shit. Today is making me realize how much I like improv class. Now if only I can make myself stop feeling like shit…

I have so much to say when I get out of improv class but then I get home and then I have very little to say. The good: I’m very physical. Great. I have a splitting headache right now to prove it. The bad needs improvement on: I have two main “characters” that I pull out in practically every scene. The “belligerent, sad drunk” and the “angry, everything is stupid/you’re stupid/I’m going to downplay anything and everything positive” person. I fully realize that these are my “go-to” characters ever since Level 1. Some of the people in class, who’ve known me since Level 1 has taken to calling me “Twitter Shana”. They, along with anyone who has seen my page, know that the stuff I write about can be brash, in your face, look at me, rude, clearly in it for the jokes, nonsense. Whenever I get up to do a scene, “Twitter Shana” takes over and I’ve been trying to break from that. I would’ve thought I’d be able to let go a little more but clearly it’s still a work in progress.  

Or maybe it’s not as hard as I think it is and I’m just making it hard on myself. I’ve been known to do that shit from time to time.

The thought of just letting go, of looking foolish scares me to death. I’m too controlled. Tonight in class I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes but I pulled back but now that I’m in the safety of my room I’m refusing to let go. I don’t know how to let go.

Went to a House Teams show over at the Improv Asylum where I take class. House Teams are comprised of current members, former members, and students currently enrolled in classes, in three teams, preforming sketch comedy. To see those students preform, putting it all out there is truly a courageous thing. Can I do that? I’m getting ahead of myself, I know but I can’t help but wonder. Well, let me at least get through class tomorrow and take it from there I suppose.

You guys, I’m in a improv class with a Emerson student and a Harvard student and I’m fucking out of my league here and I never even finished college and I work where I’m on the phone all the time and there are times that I want to cry because I have to go to work and oh why did I start taking improv classes they’re going to think I’m stupid and I should’ve finished college but I didn’t and I wanna be smart like them as well and I want so many things for myself I don’t even know where to begin. 

But…

I did have fun this evening and I have to keep telling myself that we’re all in the same boat.  

Ok, I’m done now. Back to your regular schedule programming…