Being feeling a bit down on myself these past couple of days but I have to remind myself that I’m still here. I’m still here and I mustn’t take for granted what I’ve accomplished; and what I’m working towards.
2013
- It’ll be 10 years since my father’s death.
- It’ll be 10 years since I graduated high school.
Not sure how I feel about either of those.
This is the face of someone who feels defeated. The face of someone who’s happy for others but is unhappy with herself. You can do everything within you and still come up short. Or maybe it’s true what I’ve been told; I’m making things more harder than they are. But all the same it’s days like this when I just wanna give up.
I never went out when I was younger. I volunteered, went to school, and went home. I didn’t do what “typical” teens would do. I stayed in my room, dreaming of going away, dreaming that one day I wouldn’t be so awkward, repulsive, ugly, shy. Now ten years on, when I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable with myself, I feel as though I have to make up for lost time; that I must go out, every night. That I must do anything ad everything. But I simply don’t have the time, energy, money, and patience to go out every night. I value the time where I can sit down with nothing but silence around me. I love the sound of silence. But therein lies the trouble. It is said that the 20’s are the best years of ones life. I am so unlearned about many things that I feel I should know, and things I should’ve experienced by now. I practically missed out in my teens and now that I’m 27 I feel as though I’m still missing out.
A much needed 30 minutes
And just when you think that all you’re good for nowadays is getting drunk, making snide remarks about your supervisor and not much else, you have a much needed talk with your best friend, who’s been through hell and back, and she reminds you that you are a good person who deserves to be happy, and in effect reminds you of your purpose, all is good.
Truth: I hate the way my feet look. Aren’t girls feet supposed to be cute? And now with me having plantar fasciitis in my left foot it’s just icing on the cake. And heaven forbid I go get a pedicure. That means taking off my socks and we can’t have that, can we?
Ignore this/don’t ignore this
The conventional wisdom is that no one is born brave. Is that true? When we are infants we do not know fear is; we do not know the meanings of “can’t” or “discouragement”. Being brave everyday is challenging, I know, but it’s hard. It’s hard.
Infants don’t know the meaning of the word “hard” either.
Maybe it’s the hangover talking but…
The certainty of ones life is, in fact, not a certainty at all. There are wrong turns and storms and accidents we sometimes like to call “happy” but hey, to each his own I guess. The porpose of ones life can be ever changing and for someone who likes to keep change at a distance, it can, and is quite scary.
I don’t think there’s ever been a moment where I welcomed change with open arms. I’m scared but I have to move forward. I wish I was certain of everything but I’ve come to realize that’s wishful thinking.
Laying it all out
I’m a emotional eater. If I’m down about something I eat everything around me; and most of the time I’m not even hungry.
I hate the “standard” way of exercising. Hate it. I find gyms intimidating and the only form of exercising I like is when it doesn’t feel like exercising.
I’m a case of extremes. I can go months without eating or drinking a particular product but the moment I get my hands on it I down it like there’s no tomorrow.
Tell me that I shouldn’t eat after 8 p.m., that I should stay away from flour, stay away from ALL sweets and I will do the exact opposite. And more times than not just to spite you.
I’ve been told numerous times that I don’t need to lose anymore weight and for a brief moment I believe them but then I’m remained that I still can’t fit into a shirt that’s been in my closet for almost two years and I convince myself that I need to lose another 52 pounds.
This is still a struggle for me, two years on…
In which I try half hardily excuse my actions
Sarcasm in the form of self pity will only get you so far. I should know this by now but it comes so easy to me it’s practically second nature. I find it almost laughable that someone would find me attractive so it’s just easier for me to make “jokes” about it and brush it aside.
I just wish I knew how to turn it off.
